before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
