Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
