My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize