You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
