first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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