I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
