She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
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The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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