That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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