I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
