im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
