so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
