I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Randomize
