I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
