You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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