quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I checked into jail on foursquare
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
