I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
