My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
