I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
