This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
