We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
