i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
