does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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