Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
