she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
