im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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