i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
P.S. I can't hear my feet
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
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