Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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