I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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