At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
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Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
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Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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