you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
