Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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