Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
