Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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