yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
