I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize