evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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