Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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