ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
