So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
