You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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