Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
