Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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