We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
