I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
