im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
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Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
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I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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