dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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