Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
