You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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