I faked an abortion last night.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
