I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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