one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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