god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
