You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
