whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
