his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
