Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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