I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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