i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
