She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
