yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
