I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
