Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
