Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
