youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
50% drunk capacity currently
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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