I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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