TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
