there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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